The Fundamental Problem With The Silent Treatment

The problem with the silent treatment is that not only does it never solve a problem, but it usually exacerbates the problem that was the initial reason for giving the silent treatment.

To illustrate why the silent treatment is never beneficial, let me use an arbitrary example:

In this example, we will suppose that a husband and wife just had their first baby. The husband wants to name the baby Matthew after his grandfather. The wife wants to name the baby John after her grandfather. Neither likes the other name. Both have reasons for wanting to name their child after their grandfather. No party is right or wrong; it is a matter of opinion. They begin to argue over the matter.

After the arguing begins, the husband gives the silent treatment. What will happen. The wife begins to plead to the husband to speak. He either says nothing at all, or gives filler words that have no meaning.

Imagine the dialog.

Wife "What should we do?"

Husband "I don't know."

Wife "Are there any other names you like?"

Husband (silent)

Wife "The hospital is requiring us to give a name by tonight so we can take the baby home. How should we decide on a name?"

Husband "I don't know."

Wife "Do you like the names Mark or Luke?"

Husband "Whatever."

Even though the husband spoke words, he did not communicate and he was still giving the silent treatment.

Now let us think of possible results of this:

• The wife chooses the name she wants. The husband becomes more angry and continues the silent treatment. He resents her for a long time. He brings this up negatively many times in the future.
• The wife chooses the name he wants. The wife resents the husband for a long time. She brings this up many times negatively in the future.
• The wife chooses another name. Neither of them like the name and they resent each other.
• No decision is made, and the baby goes home without a name... and become a number or something in the official records (I have not had a child yet... I have no idea how this works).
  
  

There is not a single positive outcome from the husband's refusal to communicate. This is the problem with the silent treatment. It solves nothing. No improvement is made. It will either delay an existing problem, or create new problems. Almost always, both parties are hurt when the silent treatment occurs.